Current mood:

melancholy

Misspent youth, faking up a rampage
I forgot how much the song Stumbleine meant to me and how, at 14 (a decade ago!), this is what I identified with. I even remember using the line "nobody nowhere understanding anything about me...and all my dreams...lost at sea," as my AIM away message at that time. I think this line can follow anyone no matter what stage of life you're in and reviewing its relevance as a freshman in high school compared to how I could potentially apply it to this modern day is so, so vastly different. But it seemed so much more significant and permanent back then.

That, and Daydream (the demo version), I listened to no less than 1000 times, but probably not since 2000. I guess I have to be in the right phase to appreciate grounding songs like these, and I've been distracting myself (for better or worse) too much to identify. But I want to get back to that.

I remember how infinite time seemed then, and how infinite the sadness was (pun intended). I remember how I felt things so much more intensely than I let myself now since I realize that I need to filter out pain and become apathetic to it lest I be rendered unproductive. I remember thinking: this song IS me, the melody and the listlessness, and I will never ultimately change and I, to a degree, enjoy this about me. So now, I think, have I really changed it? I think we're all still that 14 year old with some added mileage and a better sense of how to not let the bad affect us as much.

I remember how hard it was to find music videos back then, and how I had the physical lyrics book from the CD instead of looking them up on google. Every new version of the song was a rare treat. And despite the awesomeness of youtube, I still cannot find this one particular live, upbeat version I once had. Balls!

This is who I was growing up, this was my scene, this is the foundation for my lonely self. I don't think I want to abandon that part of me, despite how desolate it was.


Meanwhile, some humor from looking up youtube vids:



I don't see how that's relevant at all...