Current location:	O-hi-O!
Current mood:	frustrated
Current music:	Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young - Four Dead in Ohio

Neither here nor there
I recall a handful of character defining moments during my emotional and intellectual development in Ohio. I remember the exact instance when I was 8 years old when, for the first time, I realized my dad wasn't a perfect father figure after all. I recall the event at 18, when I caught the first hint that my mom was emotionally vulnerable and not a stable rock. And at 25, I can pinpoint the dinner at which I lost all familiarity and sense of intellectual belonging to those here in Ohio.

The whole dynamic of my orientation in my life changes when I visit home. Of course in L.A., I'm entirely independent and my actions are unprecedented. I feel so strong and sedimented in my cultural and political ideals. I feel up-to-date with pressing topics and social concerns, and like I just get the general gist of how things operate. And I have lived several states away from any trace of family members or key adult figures since I was 18.

When I come home, of course all my ideals are not only disagreed with, but they are put in such a way by brilliant, respectable people that I start questioning my beliefs, or more likely, question myself as to whether or not I sound like an idiot when I speak my naive opinions. I have been called a liberal quackjob (though paraphrased in their respective ways) by three separate people since Tuesday. I have been told that the political beliefs I hold are only temporary and the consequence of going to the schools I did. Dude, I'm no tree-hugging hippie, people, but at the same time, I'm not jumping into your conversations about what a tragedy it was that McCain lost.

I enjoy California immensely, but I'm not completely onboard with the general, popular mentality either. I still hold some social and political conservatism and think the entertainment industry holds more hypocrisy and unnecessary power than the US automakers. At the same rate, I don't utterly hate Ohio and everyone in it. Sure I took the fastest opportunity to flee the state, but coming home and seeing my high school friends has always been such a relief and an opportunity to recharge myself for living in L.A. I love so many things about this state and wouldn't have chosen to grow up in any other place. I do have many unrelated theories about why the social dynamic of the midwest is superior to anywhere, but in the sake of continuity, that rant will be saved for a later time.

Ironically, this time around, I've never been as cognizant as to how much being here in Ohio makes me feel like an outsider. This is my home, my people, my upbringing and my familiarity. So much of who I am has no doubt been molded within a 20 mile radius. And yet, I feel like a total stranger in the town I grew up in.

Maybe it's that LA has finally gotten to me. That it's warped my perceptions and restructured my thought process. I feel like that rich kid who goes off to a liberal arts school in San Francisco or something and comes home to face their republican country-clubbers to explain they're going off to join the Peace Corps.

So maybe this funk I'm in is purely environmentally rooted (as in MY environment, not THE environment). What are pressing issues in California? Geological secession of the state via devastating earthquakes, gay marriage, "green" living, water shortages, immigration (at least, these are the topics most interesting to me). And what are the riveting 1+ drink-induced heated conversations I'm immediately exposed to here? GM, labor unions, real estate, sub-zero temperatures, boat restoration and "Oh my god we have a black, liberal president." If a venn diagram were constructed of the similar subjects it would include college football (though vaguely comparable) or perhaps the concept of Trader Joe's being awesome.

Or maybe I'm totally blinded to the notion that people in Los Angeles, as a whole, are morons. This we know. But maybe I'm buying in enough to the extent that I don't realize that living there has made me out of touch with, oh say, the other 98% of the country that does not live in the metropolitan epicenter that is Southern California.

Whatever the case, I wonder: Had I remained in Ohio, would I be more like them? I don't remember being narrow-minded or bigoted in my younger years but maybe I didn't know better because it was the majority (sadly)? Or maybe that I've never been this way and I've only recently started really paying attention to the message between the lines.

Thus, I revert back to my favorite inner debate of nature vs. nurture. How much, of who we become is innately formed and what extent is purely humanistic?

Or maybe I should shove it and enjoy the $3 drinks, daylight until 9:45 p.m., home cooking, boating on the Great Lakes and 6.5% sales tax while I can. Happily, most other aspects of Ohio are still a dream to revisit and I'm always glad I do.